How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
