Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
