remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
