When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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