Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
