you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
