dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Randomize
