How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
