What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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