I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
