imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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