He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
