Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
