i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
