Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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