Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
