So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
