If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
