At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
