Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
