We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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