i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
