The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
