I can text with my tongue
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
