I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
