Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
