guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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