you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
