I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
There's even glitter on my cock...
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