Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
3pm strippers are depressing
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
