im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
