i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Randomize
