so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
