Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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