living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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