You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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