I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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