just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Randomize
