is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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