Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
