ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
