he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
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