He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
