Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
