I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
