If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
