last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I think my moral compass just broke
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
