Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I intend to get homeless drunk
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Come on in and take your pants off
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