3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
