yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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